Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings