I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Traveler’s camo
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.