Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
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I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive