George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
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*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Time for evil
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.