A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
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In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.