I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.