How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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How animals would run if they were human
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin