Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.