there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
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So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human