Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
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but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch