It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
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Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My sex drive has a dui
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Fights fire with marshmallows
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.