how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
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Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??