how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
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AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
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[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
felt cute might bury dad later idk
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It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes