It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
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being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
the red hot silly peppers
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
5 ways to appear taller
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.