Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
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Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
🙄😏😂🤣
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!