@krisv_723

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

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@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

@JermHimselfish

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

@zachary_lampley

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

@tobyhonk

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

@whatsJo

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

@SteveKoehler22

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

@JimGaffigan

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December