(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Unexpected Judgment
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.