When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
You Might Also Like
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
#Caturday
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.