NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
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I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
White parent Vs Arab parents
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”