A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
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I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
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Me: Same
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Cardio Made Easy
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.