Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?