I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
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Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Tremendous stuff
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are