I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
the short answer to this question
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.