I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
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when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.