Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

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Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by


*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.


My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public


Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.


[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*


God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.


The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.


Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines


“What do you want?”
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what


*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”