Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
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“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.