@_sweet_ham

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

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@withanewname

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

@MikeBigby

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

@Greg_1_Leg

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

@volks__

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

@dogfather

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

@Smug_Lemur

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

@AmishPornStar1

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

@Alex_Houseof308

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

@Home_Halfway

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

@isabelzawtun

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”