Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
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Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
The news in a nutshell.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit: