Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.