@DaddyBeerGuy In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
@FeverFlave Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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@DaddyBeerGuy 
@mommajessiec Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
@pleatedjeans [unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
@Gender_Thief *hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
@Zombie_Kitv2 Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
@iscoff Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
@thepunningman Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
@fatherofcomedy My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
@JenniferJokes Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
@iamspacegirl my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music