Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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Get off my horse you stupid moon
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When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile![]()
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.