Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.