[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
You Might Also Like
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.