I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
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I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending