If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
You Might Also Like
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
sin harder.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much