If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.