[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.