@Thynebear

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

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@PanettaSexyTime

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

@A_Bike_Guy

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

@krisv_723

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@TheAlexP

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

@mochanya

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

@topaz_kell

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

@Nickadoo

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

@crunchenhanced

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!