[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
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I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Who called it baking and not making love
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Introverted vegans go meetless
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
notice
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?