@mydmac

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

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@gbergan

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

@Darlainky

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

@UtilityLimb

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

@OutOfLeftField_

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

@Pundamentalism

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

@eddie_ferrero

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

@jonnysun

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

@justatornado

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.