@gbergan You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
@mydmac I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
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@gbergan 
@Darlainky I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
@UtilityLimb some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
@OutOfLeftField_ Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
@Pundamentalism “I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
@eddie_ferrero [FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
@jonnysun FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
@justatornado He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
@DawnLovesZombie Basketball games are very squeaky.