I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
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the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
(Musicians.)
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome