Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
finally
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My dog learned how to text
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
my friends when i can’t do basic math