[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
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Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no