Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Bed should get ready for ME
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Tell me you get it…🤣
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Beards are a privilege, not a right
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles