Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.