him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
How can I say no to this ?
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Can’t stop laughing
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.