becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
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crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
🙄😏😂🤣
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.