My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
You Might Also Like
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
🤣✨#caturday
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.