Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
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Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.