Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
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Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I drew y’all a little something.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
He wanted to make sure😂
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.