[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
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Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
True statement👍😏😁
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.