[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
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[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Don’t tell me what to do
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.