I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Hmmmmm
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”