Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
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him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions