Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

What’s so funny?

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.