*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Me My dog
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”