McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.