If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”