[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
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i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do