Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
When you let grandma cat sit
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Guantanamo Bae
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again