Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
how long have you had this for?
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I’m having an out of money experience.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.