Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.